About seven years ago I was lying in bed pretty much a rock bottom. I was very lonely, suffering from depression, and I had just been online for two hours looking for ways to end my life. I was desperate. All I had in my life was sin and addiction. I was an ignorant non-believer at the time and I didn’t know what else to do. I was hopeless so I thought what the hick, what could it hurt, I’m going to die anyway. So for the first time in my life I spoke to the Lord. I asked him to put someone in my life, someone……. I would live for. I was very greedy, not only did I ask for someone but I listed all the qualities she must have. At least seven different characteristics she needed to have. I didn’t deserve this at all but I asked anyway.
About six months later I found myself dating someone who had all seven characteristics I listed down to the minute detail I had asked God for. There was no doubt for me I would marry her. At the time though I didn’t put it together. I should have, but I didn’t. God had answered my one and only prayer to him and I never thanked him or acknowledged him for it. I kept my worldly ways and all the sin and addiction but now at least I had someone to live for and no more thoughts of suicide.
We did marry and as time went on we started a family, I was still in sin and addiction but something inside was now talking to me. I became very fearful for myself and my family. I realized I had very little control over things and that I needed help. I kept telling myself my addiction was not hurting anybody and that it was ok if I kept it a secret but that was a lie. I even tried feed my addiction while caring for my 6 month old. Worst moment of my life! What was I exposing her too? How could I do this? How could I fool myself into thinking she would not he harmed by this?
I kept feeling something inside me begin to change me and question what I was doing in secret. I was becoming more fearful but at the same time taking more risks. That is a clue you see, addiction leads to risky behavior. I started to realize what I was doing was evil. I remember two weeks straight I was looking over my shoulder at every turn, feeling like everything I was doing was being observed like I had know privacy, I felt naked and vulnerable. I kept feeling something tell me over and over again what I was doing was wrong. Finally I realized it was Satan pushing me to sin, I felt very scared and I knew how evil the situation was. I needed to stop and I needed to stop now!
At the same time I was searching for something. I bought tons of books about popular paranormal topics thinking I could find an answer this way. Aliens, ghosts, monsters but the most fascinating to me was prophecy. Not just Bible Prophecy but any kind of oracle. I searched and searched but still felt empty. Then one day I felt something say to me, “Are you really going to go through your whole life without reading the Bible once?” I thought about that for a while. It stuck with me. Here I am reading about all this supernatural paranormal stuff and it never dawned on me to read greatest supernatural paranormal book ever written. I did read it. It took me about a year the first go around but I started in the New Testament and found I could understand at least some of it. In previous attempts to read the Bible when I was younger I gave up because I couldn’t comprehend it. I guess because I was such a non-believer and I was never really open to it. The more I read the Bible the less I succumbed to my addiction. I still stumbled, often, but the temptation seemed weaker. I eventually stopped completely over time. I still get the temptation from time to time though. I have have to constantly remind myself that greater is he that is in me then he that is in the world (1 John 4:4). The temptation constantly haunts me. There are days when it can be almost overwhelming. The Lord is in it though. He is fully invested in me. I don’t know why, but he scooped me up and saved me. Why me? I don’t know but he does keep me strong. I am growing in Christ. I still have much to learn. But I know the Lord is in it with me. He has forgiven me. We are trusting each other.
If you can relate this. If you have found yourself giving into addiction then know that the Lord knows what you are doing. I am not trying to scare you. Quite the opposite, I want you to know that you are not alone. He wants to forgive you. He wants to help you. Just ask. Sincerely ask him to help you to stop. Repent for all your sins, forgive those who have harmed you in the past. Ask God to bring Christ into your heart. Acknowledge that Christ was sacrificed for all your sins. Pray to him for forgiveness and ask him to help you change. He will. He will act powerfully in your life if you ask him too. Talk to him. Start the conversation. Just open the door enough for him to walk through and save you. If he can do it for me he can do it for you.
God Bless You.